Physically impossible

Last night during dinner I was intriguingly watching Isaac across the table as we ate. At first he was sticking his bottom jaw out as far as he could, and then quietly whispering "ow" like it was hurting him. Then he shoved his upper teeth out as far as he could, very buck-like, all the while rolling his eyes up and down. I sat and watched him do it a couple times trying to figure out what in the heck he was trying to accomplish.

Finally I said "Isaac...what are you doing?"

"Trying to look at my teeth to see if I brushed them this morning."

We all busted up laughing as we watched him try to see his own teeth...without a mirror.

Ahhh...the frustrating physical limitations of the human body.

So if you want to keep your kids busy for 10 minutes or so...ask them to lick their own elbow or try to see their own teeth...without a mirror.

Tear Jerker

Although I'm not an American Idol fanatic, I do watch it if I find someone who I think is the cats ass. Otherwise, I'm what I like to call a "temperamental watcher". But I did catch a clip of the "Other Idol"...and the huge sensation 6 year old- Conny.

I sat with a tear streaked face (at work none the less) watching her.

Even the hard ass Simon was amazed...

Tell me if you can watch this without having it pull at your heartstrings. If you can...then you need to see a doctor because something's not right.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=En0A8KGMgq8

Unbelievable

A letter to a few people behind this story:


What I have to say to the kids-

If you were my kid...the cops would be the least of your worries!!! What they would do to you would pale in comparison to what you'd get from me.

And to the parents of these kids?

I better not hear ONE fucking excuse from you if they ever catch your heathen children. Turn them in. Because next time???...it may not be an innocent puppy, it could be another child. Children/teens who are capable of something so heinous should NOT be allowed to walk away from this unscathed.

Utterly disturbing.

I'm never going to get caught up

Ya know when you return from vacation and it feels like about a month before you get back in the groove? That's me right now. We returned on May 13th from a weeks vacation to Disney World in Orlando (which was awesome by the way), but I feel like I'm still playing catch up.

I went at a "slower" time during work so when I got back I was caught up quickly...the rest of my life went into warp speed. I have 3 kids who are all in activities this summer and it feels like I never have time to relax.

Emily is playing t-ball. Isaac is in Little League (same as t-ball but they don't hit off the tee) and flag football, and Nick is in baseball. Isaac and Emily are both in piano as well. Between having about 5 games and practices as well as piano our weeks have been just crazy busy.

I feel like I need to hire someone to come in and clean my house GOOD. Like scrub stuff down, clean baseboards and walls, etc. I can do the basics because I'm anal like that...but I still feel that layer of dirt screaming "I'm getting nastier!!" UGH

I got a planner to help me out and get more organized in some drastic hope to get some order to my life. It was rated #1 family planner so damn it, it better work! It's kinda cool! It has a weeks view at a time, and also has a place for meals for the evening that you have planned, a grocery list area on every page and another place for notes. Hopefully it helps.

This weekend is somewhat busy, but I tried not to schedule tooooo much stuff. Tonight we don't have much of anything planned except maybe have a fire in the firepit. Matt's going to mow the yard so that's done for the weekend, and I've spent the day cleaning up the house. Speaking of that...I discovered my puppy is scared to death of the vacuum. It's hilarious too...I can't help but laugh. When I turned it on in Emily's room he bolted onto her bed and hid in her stuffed animals just like E.T. All ya' pretty much saw was his face sticking out between Shamu and her favorite cat.

Tomorrow we have our summer babysitter coming over to meet the kids. She's a high schooler again this year, and it worked out great last year with someone coming into the house. Even though Nick is 12 he's definitely not ready for the full responsibility of taking care of Isaac, let alone Emily.

Tomorrow we have a graduation party (I'm still contemplating whether to go or not), and then we are going out to our friends campsite to hang out in the evening.

Sunday we are taking the kids fishing. That should be a great day if the weather holds out.

Monday I am going to a barbeque at my friends house (look at how cool I am guys, my first link!!), and my kids are REALLY looking forward to it...and so am I. All the cool people will be there.

I'm really hoping the weather holds out and I can just find some time to sit and relax and maybe have a margarita or 10.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

You've Got to be Shitting Me

Saturday night at our house can sometimes be pretty boring and uneventful. Sometimes that's a good thing. Other nights I sit and think about how fun it would be to be sitting in a bar, laughing with some friends and doing things TOTALLY inappropriate for a 33 year old mother of 3.

Anyway, in our neighborhood (we live on a cul-de-sac outside of town) it's not uncommon for all the kids to be outside playing until after dark. Normally the kids come in at dark, get dressed in every black piece of clothing they own, and then go back out for a game of hide-and-seek.

Around 9:15 or so Matt and I were just getting ready to go sit outside to enjoy the beautiful weather when we received a phone call. It is very rare for someone to call my house after 9 unless they are drunk and feel the need to tell me how much I mean to them and they never really told me...and they have to tell me NOW because they could die tomorrow and I'd never know.

This is the half of the conversation I heard (Matt talking):

Hello?

Hey Sarah what's up? (This is another mom in our neighborhood)

WHAT?

A bucket of poop???

Well OBVIOUSLY it's time for my kids to come inside, I'm on my way over.


He sits the phone down and looks at me and just says "your daughter is in a shitload of trouble."

I follow him out into the garage as he heads across the street. I light up a cigarette and stand there trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

From across the yard Nick appears from the darkness and is slowly walking towards me with his arms in full stretch out to his sides.

As he gets closer to me I see his expression is anything less than happy. He stops like 20 feet in front of me and just stares at me. ( I still can't see him clearly.)

"Do you know what Emily just did?"

"No...what?"

"She just threw a bucket of p..p..SHIT on me!" (He started to say poop...stuttered the p's, and then blurted out SHIT.)

As he came closer to me I could see things a little more clearly.

He was covered from the waist down in watered down dog shit. And he REEKED!

Apparently, my daughter was over helping the little girls next door clean up dog poop with pooper scoopers and put it in a bucket.

According to Sarah, she heard Emily start yelling and Nick laughing and teasing her and the next thing she heard was Nick screaming his head off.

My daughter took the entire bucket of watered down dog shit and threw it at her brother. She completely covered him from the waist down.

Matt comes walking across the yard with Emily (who, surprisingly enough was not crying). Emily walks right by me and says "I need to wash my hands and I'll be headed straight to bed."

"Oh your DAMN RIGHT you will!" was all I could think to say at the time. I was so disgusted, I really couldn't even think of any type of appropriate punishment! What the hell do you do as punishment for throwing a bucket of dog shit on someone? I'm pretty sure that scenario is not spelled out in any parenting books.

I made Nick strip down in the garage and got him into the shower.

I went into the other bathroom and Emily was standing there washing her hands, admiring herself in the mirror.

I looked at her reflection and said "why in God's name would you do something so disgusting?"

This was a moment I am ashamed to admit I totally saw myself in her eyes.

The girl looked me directly in the face, didn't even flinch, and said "THAT'S what he gets for teasing me being mean every single day for TWO WEEKS."

She walked right past me, shut her door, turned the lights off and was asleep in less than 5 minutes.

She'd had it. Enough was enough and she was tired of taking his teasing and bullying. It was clearly the only course of action.

Matt comes walking back into the bathrooms just shaking his head. He looks at me and says "ya know, if she wasn't YOUR daughter I might be a little more surprised at the extreme level of things she's capable of for revenge."

So, to future friends, aquaintences, enemies etc. of Emily:

Take heed. Listen to my warning.

You do NOT want to piss this girl off.

Boob Tube

No pervert, I’m not talking about MY boobs. So if you did a search on “boob” and it landed you here? Then sorry, you’re not going to like what you see. Because really, MY boobs? Are not so hot. I’m not too often confused for Jenna Jameson. Actually I’ve NEVER been accused of looking like her. But damn, if I had!??? I'd be loaded.

Now if you googled “who can I purchase a boob job for?” well then you’ve come to the right place Mister! Or Mrs. Or Ms.…really, I won’t judge. Whoever you are, feel free to contact me for a mailing address of where to send the money and I’d be happy to satisfy your desire to pay for my boob job.
Hey, how about I sweeten the deal?!! I’ll even show you a picture of them if you pay for it! Cuz really, you paid for them. The LEAST I could do was let you see what your hard earned money actually bought. Right? Right. I could do a before and after montage!

Anyway, let’s get back to the topic I originally was posting about. The boob tube.

I’ve found that if it doesn’t talk back or argue or make a mess, etc. I’d just have to keep it over my children (if someone broke into my house and asked me what I’d give up willingly).

Ya know, as much as I’d like to say “I don’t watch THAT much TV.” I do. I’m a liar. I’m in denial. Even though I may not actually sit down through an entire show and watch it start to finish, I have the TV on from about 5pm on. And there are really only a few shows that I actually SIT DOWN to watch, but I have several that if they are on, I’ll watch them.

1. Grey’s Anatomy- THEE best show on TV right now. This is one that I not only watch every Thursday, but I also DVR it as well. You know, just in case. I freak out if it’s getting close to starting and my children are not ready to settle down for the night. FREAK.OUT.


2. Wheel of Fortune- you don’t want to play against me in this game. I totally kick ass.


3. The Batchelor- I only watch the series if the guy is hot. I don’t think Andy is drop dead gorgeous, however my dad and his fiancé were in Hawaii when they were taping the show. He watched them tape the engagement scene and saw the whole thing go down. He didn’t even realize what he was taking pictures of until he got back and put 2 and 2 together. He just thought it was either some Joe Schmoe getting engaged, or possibly taping a scene for a movie. Trust me people, I scoured his tapes and pictures trying to find a glimpse of who the final chick is. Because I’m a sellout, I’d sell those pics to the highest bidder in a heartbeat! All he said was “the girl who was doing the taping was blonde.”

4. Animal Precinct- I love this show. Secretly I’d love to be one of the investigators who go to the scum suckers houses that treat their animals like shit. I get more pissed off about people hurting animals than I do just about anything else in this world and I’d love nothing more than to make sure they pay.

5. Cheerleader U- I know, I know. Only a cheerleader at heart loves this show. I would fall into that category. I cheered in high school and in college, and loved every minute of it. Until I blew my knee out. That sucked.

6. Tori and Dean Inn Love-all I have to say is this show cracks me the hell up.

7. Quick Fix Meals with Robin Miller-Food Network is like home away from home for me. I love to cook, and Robin has some awesome recipes and ideas.

8. American Idol- I am not all that impressed with anyone this year, but I sometimes watch it anyway.

9. E! News- because it’s on at 6 (my time) and the news is too depressing to watch anymore. And because I have a slight obsession with Hollywood gossip.

10. Oprah/Days of our Lives- I flip between these 2 shows when I get home. I never get to sit and really watch them because I’m doing 2 trillion things from the minute I get home until my head hits the pillow.

What a month...

It’s been almost a month since I’ve updated and let me tell ya…so much has changed at my house.

Our cat of 10 years had to be put to sleep. Let me tell you…it was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. ENTIRE LIFE.

Unless you’ve had to put a pet down you can’t even imagine. What was the hardest part? Telling my children. Oh my god, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard. Our cat had been kind of down and out for a couple days. Then he quit eating, quit going to the bathroom, etc. We took him to the vet at which they observed him for a couple days, ran tests, and discovered that he had Feline Leukemia. We weighed our options and given his advanced stage of this, we decided we didn’t want him to suffer one minute. I know some people may think it’s horrible to put him down, but when they stop eating, going to the bathroom etc, you can’t tell me they aren’t suffering.

Anyway, we put him to sleep and the loneliness set in. I cried at the drop of a hat. We had never been without him so we had no idea how it would affect us. It was our 1st and only pet we’d ever had! We couldn’t deal with the loneliness.

Well…that brings us to now.

Guess what I have. Guess!? I have a smooshy, soft, cuddly, stinky breath PUPPY! Not the Golden Retriever that I wanted and planned on getting, but rather an adorable yellow lab puppy who chews on everything. Including my children. He thinks they are perfect chew toys. Their hands fit nicely in his mouth. I try to explain to Emily NOT to run from him because he thinks she is playing and trust me…he WILL catch you. So now she’s figured out that if she runs directly to the couch, launches herself up into the air and onto the cushions the dog can’t make it up there. YET. He stops short, gives her a nice ROWMPF!! (his hilarious bark) and then hunches down and tries to jump up a few more times before giving up. He’s mastered the footstool so he can get onto the loveseat, but the couch is a little higher.

I have to say, he’s really a good puppy. For now anyway. He’s only 10 weeks old. He’s had only a few accidents which thank god have mostly been on the hard wood or tile. He slept through the night the 2nd night home and hasn’t woke up in the night since. I really can’t complain. Have I mentioned that he’s got to be the cutest puppy ever?

Emily had Kindergarten round up last Wednesday which went really well. I’m starting her year off as a terrible mother though. They always get to have a ½ day at Kindergarten before the summer starts so they know what to expect when they start in the fall. They get to ride the bus, have a ½ day in the classroom doing all sorts of fun activities, eat lunch at the school etc. Guess what day they have the ½ day planned.

May 4th.

The morning we leave for Disney. Super. So I didn’t even tell her about it. I told the teacher as soon as she told me the date and said “oh gosh…don’t worry about it, she’s already in preschool so she knows the routine it won’t be a big deal for her.” That made me feel better, but I still wish she could go.

I sent the boys’ teachers letters informing them that I’m a terrible mother and I’m taking them out of school to take them to Disney. I’m waiting for the hate mail to start. Oh well. Matt and I thought a lot about it and decided that going over the summer again was not for us.

Plus, honestly with all the crap going on at Nick’s school right now I feel more comfortable with him being with me in Florida. There was a child in his class who they found a notebook with a list of people he wanted to kill. Nick’s name was on the list, HOWEVER he’d been erased/crossed off the principal informed me. I thought “well, I guess that’s a good thing” but it still made me very uneasy. Santa also made the list of people to kill. I didn’t ask a lot of questions to the principal because I knew he couldn’t tell me the majority of the nosy questions I’d ask and honestly I just wanted to know how to explain to Nick why this child would not be returning to school for awhile.

So if they want to bitch about me taking my kid to Disney during the school year they can. They can send me a letter that his absence is unexcused. That’s fine. Matt and I really thought about it and decided this is the right time for us to go. Nick’s overall GPA won’t be affected by it like it would if he was in high school, Isaac is more than ahead in school and Emily still believes the princesses and everyone at Disney is real. I know it may not be everyone’s belief (that it’s ok to take kids out of school to go), but it’s right for us and we are gonna have fun!!!